Ask Us A Question!
We would love to have more questions to address on our radio show when we don’t have callers or when your question particularly relates to the topic we are addressing that day. Please post as a comment here and give us a first name and state to identify you with (whether real or not).
Karrine:
Dear Amy and Lisa,
I love your radio show concept.
I would love to invite you to list your directory at http://www.herblogdirectory.com
and I would like to feature an article if you have one along with some information about your pod cast on the website.
Please feel free to follow me on twitter and linked in.
My details are listed at http://www.her-media.com
Best wishes,
Karrine
6 June 2008, 5:18 amHer-media.com
Sue in Colorado:
A possible question for your radio show.
My five-year-old son has recently become insufferably rude. He uses a nasty tone of voice what seems like a majority of the time these days. He is also incredibly bossy and demanding, and if I don’t meet his demands more or less instantly, he starts yelling. He has never been like this before. At first I chalked it up to him being tired at the end of the day, but now he wakes up acting like this. He also treats his friends badly a lot of the time. Is this part of being five?
So far I have been responding by offering him a replacement way of asking nicely for what he’s rudely demanding, and often when he’s nasty to me I’ll simply let him know that I don’t want to be talked to that way so I’m going to go do x and he can join me when he’s ready to be pleasant. Often these things work in that moment, but then five minutes later, the beast re-emerges. I’ve tried to tease out of him if there is something bothering him, but he hasn’t told me anything that would explain this behavior.
I find myself angry a lot of the time. I am starting to yell or snarl back at him lately, and that tells me that I need help finding a better solution. Suggestions?
30 October 2008, 3:34 amJennifer:
Jennifer / Washington State
1 April 2009, 4:29 amHey! I was wondering about how to handle the argumentativeness of an almost 5 yr old. Everything is a battle, and it’s not the simple, “no I want this, not that”. He even argues about facts like whether something is labeled a certain way (like is it a table). It’s especially frustrating when I am already trying to do the positive parenting / connection parenting thing. I try to do something nice and he responds with something negative. He only seems to calm down when I have rewards or consequences for him… like now we use a money jar and he can earn money or lose it by how he acts. Today, that worked well.
Yet even tonight… I read a book, do a story and then sing songs for bedtime. He pushed and pushed the limit on this with one more song and then “can you sing it like this”, etc… until finally I said, “no, that’s it, I’m done”. Makes for a sad ending to the situation, at least for me… here I am trying to do something nice for his bedtime.
The question: What are some good ways to handle it, especially when I sapped of energy, especially creative energy.
lstroyan:
Here are some thoughts for Jennifer, which I also elaborated on, on the show today (http://is.gd/q6LK)
My guess is that he is feeling powerless. If you have ever looked at Jane Nelsen’s work, one of the tenets of positive discipline is that children need to feel connected and significant. In my experience, one of the stages kids go through in their 4th year is a sharp increase in that need to feel significant and powerful. So in general, my suggestion is to find lots of ways proactively to help him feel powerful in a positive way. Solving problems, getting to choose, getting to be right, etc.
The first thing I would consider is to drop your end of the rope whenever you can. Let him have the last word about all the unimportant things, the facts, etc. Phrases that don’t quite agree but don’t disagree can be very helpful, such as “Oh, that’s an interesting perspective”, “Hmm, I’ve always called that color blue, but maybe it really is pink.” Don’t correct him on facts – everyone gets to have their opinion.
Another good tool is, when you want him to do something, to see if he responds to a leading question instead of a command. When my son was this age, a simple, “you need to feed your fish” would cause a big argument but, “hmm, I wonder who else is hungry?” would have him jumping up, feeling powerful to solve the problem.
You can give him some time during the day where he gets to tell you what to do.
He’s probably responding well to rewards and consequences because they are predictable and he has a sense of control. But this can backfire too, so if you can give him that sense of control in other ways, then you won’t need to rely on them as much.
Lastly, you sound a little hurt when he doesn’t reciprocate, but I’d avoid giving him the power over your emotions. This is a really common issue for this age, and he’s really young still. The empathy will come with time if it is modeled. So I would model 2 things – empathy, and self-respect, and then just be matter of fact.
One more thing I would throw out for you to consider. Children often reflect back what we are feeling. You might ask yourself if you are also feeling powerless in some areas of your life right now. If so, a lot of connection and empathy for both of you, and a lot less focus on the behavior, can make a big difference. Trust him and trust yourself. You’ll get past this – you don’t have to solve it all right now.
1 April 2009, 4:34 pmTiffani:
Thinking about Amy’s idea from Sleepless in America on how tv can affect children’s sleep and my childs love for tv and how it helps her stop running around after her bath and sit and concentrate on her bedtime snack…. would this schedule get tv far enough away from actual sleep…..
Bath Time
1 July 2009, 3:31 pmPJ’s On
Movie (under 30 mins hopefully) with bedtime snack while watching
Brush Teeth
Potty
Books
Lights Out
Luci:
Amy, do you and Lisa have any connection with Dr. Reggie Melrose? I read this review and have now looked through some of her website. I’m deciding whether to order one or more of her books, but thought I’d check in with you first to see if maybe I missed an interview with her on your show.
http://www.internationalfamilymag.com/may09/youcanhealyourchild.htm
29 March 2010, 8:50 pmhttp://drmelrose.com/
Jen:
What are some anger management strategies for 2 year olds??
31 October 2011, 3:37 pm