Parenting For Humanity Blog

Today we talked about kid relationships- whether siblings or friends, schoolmates or teammates, we want our children to be successful in their connections with other people.

We wanted to share some of the more specific ideas here so you can take them and make them your own. Most of these are adapted from Siblings Without Rivalry, by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish. We also talked about the book, Hold on to Your Kids by Gordon Neufeld and shared some information from the siblings chapter of NurtureShock by Po Bronson and Ashley Merryman.

Describing what we see can both help increase empathy and facilitate friendship:

“Did you see her shoulders sag when you said she couldn’t have a turn?”
“Did you see his face light up when you threw him the ball?”

You can also use describing to provide empathy to your child during difficult moments:

“That made you angry.”
“You have mixed feelings about your brother- on the one hand you love him, and on the other he makes you crazy.”
“You look furious. Instead of hitting your brother, tell him what you need.”

Providing empathy and validation to the negative feelings is the first step in conflict resolution. When you skip this step you risk sending a message that what the child feels is wrong or bad. Frequently once you’ve provided this validation, there’s a release and the child feels free to reconnect with his sibling or friend.

Express confidence in the kids’ ability to work it out while remaining close enough to intervene if necessary:

“Wow. You guys have a pickle to work out here. I know you can do it. Let me know if you need help.”
“I’m sure you can imagine how it feels to be the only one not playing.”
“I hear two people who want to play with the truck. I know you’ll come up with a fair way to share it.”

Shine a light on it. When you see something unfair happening and you feel a need to assist, try making sure everyone knows what’s happening, while still communicating faith in their competence and kindness.

“Oh boys, I’m certain the girls are too smart to fall for that spy trick.”
“I’m certain your younger sister is far too savvy to sell you her lego kit for ten cents.”

The bottom line though, is that it’s the fun your children have together that leads them to be closer adults, not the lack of fighting. While conflict resolution teaches problem-solving, these skills are much harder to implement with siblings. Spending time facilitating your kids friendship- setting up fun activities, playfully challenging them to join forces against you in some sort of game or just hanging out together will net more long-term results than focusing your efforts on managing conflict.

There’s more on the show. Take a listen if you haven’t already.