Parenting For Humanity Blog

You’ve scheduled your family meeting, and perhaps some other blogger has put together a handy agenda template for you, and you’re ready to go.

To keep the family meeting running smoothly, there are a few jobs. Someone to record what happens so you can review it later and know which items need to be revisited during future meetings is helpful. For the running of the meeting, we’ve landed on the job title, “listener,” rather than chairperson or leader. The Listener is in charge of the agenda- reads off the items and requests more information, then summarizes the issue.

The Listener doesn’t need to worry about logistics or whether or not an issue is valid- simply reflecting back what is being said until everyone is clear on the agenda item.

We’ll be talking about Listeners as well as agenda items, common obstacles to successful family meetings and getting ideas on keeping the family meeting momentum going during our show this week. Join us with your questions and family meeting stories!

(A special thanks to Amy’s family who graciously allowed me to intrude with the video camera during our family meeting this week)

Today we talked about kid relationships- whether siblings or friends, schoolmates or teammates, we want our children to be successful in their connections with other people.

We wanted to share some of the more specific ideas here so you can take them and make them your own. Most of these are adapted from Siblings Without Rivalry, by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish. We also talked about the book, Hold on to Your Kids by Gordon Neufeld and shared some information from the siblings chapter of NurtureShock by Po Bronson and Ashley Merryman.

Describing what we see can both help increase empathy and facilitate friendship:

“Did you see her shoulders sag when you said she couldn’t have a turn?”
“Did you see his face light up when you threw him the ball?”

You can also use describing to provide empathy to your child during difficult moments:

“That made you angry.”
“You have mixed feelings about your brother- on the one hand you love him, and on the other he makes you crazy.”
“You look furious. Instead of hitting your brother, tell him what you need.”

Providing empathy and validation to the negative feelings is the first step in conflict resolution. When you skip this step you risk sending a message that what the child feels is wrong or bad. Frequently once you’ve provided this validation, there’s a release and the child feels free to reconnect with his sibling or friend.

Express confidence in the kids’ ability to work it out while remaining close enough to intervene if necessary:

“Wow. You guys have a pickle to work out here. I know you can do it. Let me know if you need help.”
“I’m sure you can imagine how it feels to be the only one not playing.”
“I hear two people who want to play with the truck. I know you’ll come up with a fair way to share it.”

Shine a light on it. When you see something unfair happening and you feel a need to assist, try making sure everyone knows what’s happening, while still communicating faith in their competence and kindness.

“Oh boys, I’m certain the girls are too smart to fall for that spy trick.”
“I’m certain your younger sister is far too savvy to sell you her lego kit for ten cents.”

The bottom line though, is that it’s the fun your children have together that leads them to be closer adults, not the lack of fighting. While conflict resolution teaches problem-solving, these skills are much harder to implement with siblings. Spending time facilitating your kids friendship- setting up fun activities, playfully challenging them to join forces against you in some sort of game or just hanging out together will net more long-term results than focusing your efforts on managing conflict.

There’s more on the show. Take a listen if you haven’t already.

We’ve talked the talk about family meetings before- now it’s time to walk the walk.

Adding family meetings to your routine can help in resolving sibling conflicts, moderating chores, planing vacations and improving communication. It provides an opportunity to teach your kids problem-solving skills and increase the connection between family members. Unfortunately, family meetings frequently fall by the wayside as soon as things get hectic, ultimately leading to even more chaos as you struggle to communicate on the run. Why not take an hour to connect and plan with your family before the crazy begins?

We’re going to start small. Your first challenge is to find a time and schedule your family meeting. You don’t have to actually do the meeting, or even prepare for it- just set the date.

There’s a great article on family meetings to get you started over at Mothering. Another example of a family meeting format is over at Zenhabits.

Ours is September 19th. When is yours?

Stay tuned for our next Family Meeting Challenge- coming soon! In the meantime, this Wednesday we’ll be chatting about helping your kids increase harmony in their social lives- with siblings, friends, teammates- maybe even frenemies.

Aside from some rather bald-faced lapses in judgment and a few of those completely-self-absorbed moments, I’m a thoughtful, connected supportive friend.

The person whom I routinely let down, though, is me. I can forgive a friend’s lapse in judgment with barely a second thought, but my own? Huh uh. I’m likely to pull it out every evening and use it to beat myself on the head. It’s funny because I keep trying to write that when it comes to my own mistakes I lose all sense of proportion, except there’s enough of my brain that thinks my response is proportional and rational that I can’t.

This afternoon I stopped to wonder how I would respond if I knew a friend were struggling. How would I be a friend? How do I react to imperfection? I make room for it, maybe try to cushion it, absorb some of the blows with a listening ear. I don’t expect my friends to be perfect. I expect them to be thoughtful, to struggle, to have triumphs and setbacks. Even more- I sincerely want to be there for both the good times and the challenges. I want to be present, helpful, maybe just quietly sharing the load a bit.

I went outside to my flower garden and started clipping.

I took my time, touched each stem. I considered how the colors would go together, how they support each other, draw out each others colors.

In the end, I mixed baby ironweed in with mature zinnias, and offered myself a bit of friendship.
It’s a token really, a symbol of hope that I can offer myself the same support and comfort I would offer a friend- that through strong connections with each other we can all draw the strength and resilience we need to extend kindness and forgiveness both inward and outward.

This week we’re talking about the little gifts we can offer ourselves, whether singing a song, cutting some flowers or taking a quiet walk. How are you a good friend to yourself?

For some reason, this summer I have been obsessed with clouds. I think we are having one of the best cloud summers ever in Colorado. I’m really not sure why this preoccupation came about, though I’ve always liked clouds, or at least since I painted them all over my son’s ceiling when he was 5. I remember then that suddenly, what was just background noise popped and became a constantly changing diorama of inspiration.

Painting makes you notice. Suddenly you stop seeing just the big picture and you see the details of what you are trying to capture. Recently I’ve found the same is true of writing. It’s impossible to try to capture what you aren’t paying attention to. Perhaps that is why I’m so entranced by clouds this summer. Perhaps I’m finally paying attention – to life, to where I am, and not just to where I’m putting my feet. (Yeah, we’ll see how long it will last ).

The clouds are never the same. I’m sitting outside on my deck, and there are new clouds compared to ten minutes ago when I sat down. They were light and fluffy, but the big gray one with little color differentiation has moved around from my peripheral vision into the front. I like change, in general.

Of course, what I like is movement, preferably aesthetic, not upheaval. (I’m eying that dark cloud suspiciously, and wouldn’t be very happy it if started raining on me). Sometimes when the proverbial big gray cloud comes around, and there really isn’t any detail to see, it’s hard to keep paying attention. I get that.

But looking down isn’t going to change what cloud is above you. One of my favorite therapists used to say, when you don’t know what else to do, just look up. Physically, look up. There is something about looking above the horizon that helps our outlook, both literally and metaphorically.

So whatever you would like to do, but aren’t actually doing, try paying attention and see what happens. Pay attention to the clouds for a while. Sit with a cup of coffee and see if you can just be with them for a while. (I lasted 5 minutes. I’ll try for 6 tomorrow).

And then, try paying attention elsewhere and see what changes.

Our August 31st radio show discusses paying attention – please join us!

Lisa