Public Parenting
Mommy? Why is that woman so fat? That guy’s hair is really mean-looking. Grandma!! Mom doesn’t EVER make me eat those vegetables. They look like poop. DAAAADDDDDDD! I HAVE TO HAVE CANDY NOW, NOW, NOW, NOW!!!!
Parenting is hard work. Parenting in public is extra tricky- it’s managing to guide your kids through childhood while balancing on the high wire of peer perception.
We might have strategies for coping with various behaviors when we’re at home- how to respond in an effective, calm manner when junior throws his spinach pie- but it takes on an entirely different color when he throws it in front of Grandma.
It’s all well and good to calmly redirect when darling daughter two is screaming at home, but when she’s flailing and yelling at the check-out line in the grocery it’s a whole new ball game. When you add the challenge of protecting the feelings of those around you- extended family members and total strangers who get caught in the crossfire of childhood curiosity and impulses, and you’ve got a plateful.
How does being in public impact our effectiveness as parents? What are some strategies to help us get through these more difficult moments? Our show on Public Parenting explores these issues and takes some new questions from listeners. Hear other parents’s stories on grocery store grumps and dinner table demons while gaining a fresh perspective on this challenging aspect of parenting.
Anthony Russo:
I have no qualms about correcting my children when they were younger and acting up as described in a grocery store or some other public setting. I would never hit, but will give a quick yell if necessary to let them know I meant business. My wife on the other hand would be much calmer in a public situation than myself, which sometimes was a good thing.
The real key was to get that moment of your child’s attention and let them know in a firm but low voice, this will be reprimanded at home, and then follow through on it. When their favorite toy/show or whatever at the moment will make the most impact to them is suddenly taken away for an episode 3 hours earlier in public, they kids remember it. The next time that firm, low voice tells them their will be consequences later for actions now, they will believe it, and usually, but not always, calm it down.
It’s a tough line to walk, but nobody ever said being a parent was easy.
Anthony
4 September 2008, 1:06 amlizo:
I remember a flight with M and P over the Pacific. Loooooonnnnnng flights. The flight attendant said something about M, who was 2 at the time, had wandered into the attendants break cabin. I told the f.a. that there was no hope in down under that I was going to be able to keep a 2 yo in a seat for 14 hours. Was there a door they could close? Yes, but it was inconvenient. My long blank stare must have been enough for that conversation to end.
5 September 2008, 3:51 pmNot having heard the latest PFH podcast, yet, I don’t know what your take on public parenting is, though I can guess.
My point about the story is that there are things that the public can do to accommodate child appropriate behavior and they can be patient with us while we parent and teach our children public appropriate behavior. If they had children who never misbehaved in public then write a book, or seek medical attention for the child because they just aren’t the norm.
Now that being said, I have had conversations with my kids, now 12 and 14, that if they embarras me in public, I have the memory of an elephant and will find a time to do the same. They are reminded of this now that they are teens and just my mere existence seems to be an embarrassment.
The phrase “revenge is best served cold” as I dance to vanilla ice in the amusement park ride line comes to mind.
lstroyan:
I think you make such an important point and it’s not one we talked about on the show…the public can make accomodations too. Children have just as much right to be around…it’s part of being a community. And I like the idea of taking a bigger perspective that right now, our children may embarrass us, but down the line the reverse will likely be true!
5 September 2008, 4:34 pmSusan:
Posted for someone else…
Well, this story is a couple years old and doesn’t necessarily
But it was a time when I
exhibit me at my gentle discipline best.
was definitely challenged to “parent in public,” and I got to be on
the receiving end of some parental empathy.
While driving home from vacation in Canada, we stopped at the duty-
free store before coming back into the US. DD was 2 at the time, I
think. Everyone else in our group was using the bathrooms and picking
up snacks, so DD and I walked around the store to stretch our legs
and provide a little distraction. Well, she got a little too
distracted by some toy cars, and started getting all of them out of
the display and playing with them all over the floor. I was feeling a
little guilty about this since I wasn’t planning on buying even one
of them, and she was adding wear and tear to the merchandise. I
waited a few minutes and then started trying to transition us away
from the toys, saying “Bye bye cars,” putting a few away that she
wasn’t using, that sort of thing. But she got more and more
resistant, and I was feeling more and more self-conscious (the store
was crowded and we were kind of in people’s way, etc.). I accept full
responsibility for putting my hang-ups on her shoulders here. Anyway,
it quickly deteriorated into a Class A Meltdown. One of the biggest
she’s ever had. I quickly finished putting the cars away and decided
that we needed to get outside, where she could be away from the
source of contention, yell at the top of her lungs if she wanted to,
and I could be a little more OK with it.
So there’s DD, screaming for those cars like they’re as necessary as
oxygen or something, while I’m picking her up and trying to carry her
out of the huge duty-free store (we couldn’t have been farther from
the door if we planned it, LOL), I of course feel like everyone’s
staring at me and thinking I’m a terrible mother, NOBODY is getting
out of my way so I can get this screaming child out of their hearing
space, it’s just bad all around.
Finally we got outside, and she wanted to run a little way away from
me and be alone to feel her feelings. Which I’m fine with when we’re
someplace safe — but we were in a busy parking lot, right, it’s the
duty free and the border crossing all together, it is so NOT
someplace safe. So I had to keep holding her while she was struggling
and pushing and crying fit to break my heart, and I just kept telling
her “I can’t let you run right now, it’s a parking lot, it’s my job
to keep you safe, I love you, it’s OK to be angry…” anything
affirming and calm and loving I could think of. Finally she decided
to just go stand by the wall of the store a few feet away and turn
her back to me to finish crying. I let her go and just sat on the
bench shaking and feeling terrible. And this woman who had come out
of the store for a cigarette break looked over at me and said “You
are a good mother.” (shoot, 3 years later I’m tearing up over it)
Let me tell you all right now, I’m all of 36 years old and I still
15 September 2008, 1:38 amdon’t feel grown-up most of the time, and I have some serious self-
esteem problems with believing that I can pull off this parenting
thing. But hearing those 5 words at that precise time gave me more
encouragement than anything else before or since.
lstroyan:
Posted for a friend.
Well, this story is a couple years old and doesn’t necessarily
But it was a time when I
exhibit me at my gentle discipline best.
was definitely challenged to “parent in public,” and I got to be on
the receiving end of some parental empathy.
While driving home from vacation in Canada, we stopped at the duty-
free store before coming back into the US. DD was 2 at the time, I
think. Everyone else in our group was using the bathrooms and picking
up snacks, so DD and I walked around the store to stretch our legs
and provide a little distraction. Well, she got a little too
distracted by some toy cars, and started getting all of them out of
the display and playing with them all over the floor. I was feeling a
little guilty about this since I wasn’t planning on buying even one
of them, and she was adding wear and tear to the merchandise. I
waited a few minutes and then started trying to transition us away
from the toys, saying “Bye bye cars,” putting a few away that she
wasn’t using, that sort of thing. But she got more and more
resistant, and I was feeling more and more self-conscious (the store
was crowded and we were kind of in people’s way, etc.). I accept full
responsibility for putting my hang-ups on her shoulders here. Anyway,
it quickly deteriorated into a Class A Meltdown. One of the biggest
she’s ever had. I quickly finished putting the cars away and decided
that we needed to get outside, where she could be away from the
source of contention, yell at the top of her lungs if she wanted to,
and I could be a little more OK with it.
So there’s DD, screaming for those cars like they’re as necessary as
oxygen or something, while I’m picking her up and trying to carry her
out of the huge duty-free store (we couldn’t have been farther from
the door if we planned it, LOL), I of course feel like everyone’s
staring at me and thinking I’m a terrible mother, NOBODY is getting
out of my way so I can get this screaming child out of their hearing
space, it’s just bad all around.
Finally we got outside, and she wanted to run a little way away from
me and be alone to feel her feelings. Which I’m fine with when we’re
someplace safe — but we were in a busy parking lot, right, it’s the
duty free and the border crossing all together, it is so NOT
someplace safe. So I had to keep holding her while she was struggling
and pushing and crying fit to break my heart, and I just kept telling
her “I can’t let you run right now, it’s a parking lot, it’s my job
to keep you safe, I love you, it’s OK to be angry…” anything
affirming and calm and loving I could think of. Finally she decided
to just go stand by the wall of the store a few feet away and turn
her back to me to finish crying. I let her go and just sat on the
bench shaking and feeling terrible. And this woman who had come out
of the store for a cigarette break looked over at me and said “You
are a good mother.” (shoot, 3 years later I’m tearing up over it)
Let me tell you all right now, I’m all of 36 years old and I still
15 September 2008, 1:40 amdon’t feel grown-up most of the time, and I have some serious self-
esteem problems with believing that I can pull off this parenting
thing. But hearing those 5 words at that precise time gave me more
encouragement than anything else before or since!
amakice:
“You are a good mother” that story made me tear up reading it. Thanks for sharing it.
15 September 2008, 1:58 am