This week we’re talking about kids and technology. Kevin wrote an introduction to the topic over at blogschmog. There’s lots of fear and judgment wrapped up in the discussion of kids and technology- stories of abductions, violent kids, death by video games, antisocial behavior and lacking social skills. How do we navigate through all the information to find a solution that fits our family’s needs?
Last week, Lisa shared a link to a great article by Barry MacDonald at Mentoringboys.com that looked at the negative reactions parents and educators typically have of video games as well as the idea of video game addiction. It’s similar philosophically to Larry Cohen’s Playful Parenting
and offers some common sense tips for connecting with your kids over video games.
We don’t have a list of family computer rules- between the pace of changing technology and my kids growing up like lightning, they’d be archaic before I finished typing. There are principles that guide our family though, and I’ve been trying to put together a list of technology guidelines that are congruent with them. I’m sure even these guidelines will change rapidly, and I’m eager to hear feedback and different opinions on the matter. Please comment with your own family technology ideas.
Principle: Connection trumps everything.
Guidelines:
Play together / Learn the games your kids enjoy and play them together. It might be the game isn’t your cup of tea, but you’ll have an understanding of it and the basis for discussions regarding it. Think of it as a brand new window into your child’s life. Later, if game consumption is interfering with other life areas, you’ll be versed enough in it that you can discuss reasonable limits in an informed manner, respectful to both parties.
A friend of mine pointed out that in the Legos Star Wars game sometimes you can work a long time to collect minikits. Since she has played it with her kids, she understands, and is flexible about adding time onto their game time so they can get to a point where they can save their progress. If she hadn’t played with them, she wouldn’t get it.
Be present– No earbuds in public places- or as I like to call it, the “if you wear pants, don’t wear earphones” rule. In other words, if you’re someplace in our house where it’s okay to take off your pants and let it all hang out, you can also plug in your ears. If, however, you are someplace where taking off your pants might make me say, “eww, put those on,” please also offer me the courtesy of having your ears present.
Note: I have mixed feelings about the earbud guideline. For example, I have considered putting NPR on my ipod and listening while cooking so it wouldn’t interfere with my kids’ music or movie- but I want to be in the same room they are, so a lot of the time I wind up listening to www.lego.com’s repetitive siren song instead. Is there some way we all get to listen to our thing and still stay connected? What do other families do?
Principle: Safety
Guidelines:
Lock-down / Make twitter accounts and other social accounts private- make all decisions about who to follow, or to allow access to your updates with a parent. Review them together regularly.
Check-in / ask a parent before adding an application or entering personal information anywhere. Lots of kids websites require a parent to verify identity and permission through email, but not all do. Make sure kids check in with parents before joining any website.
Transparency / no secret accounts, no secret friends. We also keep our kids computer next to our adult computer, right smack in the middle of the living room. That way our internet access is done around the whole family- if a tricky situation or website pops up, help is immediate.
Note: I’d love feedback on this issue in particular. I want my kids to be able to have their secrets, and to be able to select which issues they discuss with me. At the same time, I can’t imagine having a secret online friend could ever be a safe idea. How do we balance safety and privacy?
Principle: Know thyself, and know thy kids
Guidelines:
Pay attention to yourself / If you are concerned about how much time your kids spend on the computer, watch your own habits. Are there some circumstances that lead to your vegging out for days on end playing marble drop? Are you getting carpal tunnel syndrome from zoning out in front of the screen? Is twitter sucking your life away? Model managing your own life effectively.
Pay attention to your kids / Most kids have a point of no return- you’re out for a playdate and the little nagging voice whispers in your ear, “leave now, and you can do so peacefully- wait longer and it’s meltdown city.” Try to find the same point with kids and computers. A friend of mine was pointing out how much harder it is to get her son to stop playing on the computer without tears if she does it before he really has to go to the bathroom.
Pay attention to the games / Are they passive or interactive? Do they build skills, teach something, or are they great stress busters? What is the attraction? The answers to these questions can inform future discussions with your kids.
Note: I’ve noticed a big difference between how I feel noticing my son watch the minimovies at Lego.com over and over, and finding him playing with a program like scratch. For me, it’s the passive versus active engagement. How do you determine what you want in your family’s entertainment? How much value does it have to have?
Principle: Communication is Key
Guidelines:
Talk about the games / Answer the questions above and hear your kids’ answers too- they may be very different from yours. Now that you’ve also learned to play the games with your kids, you can have reasonable discussions about when to shut them down. You’re teaching problem-solving skills and negotiation.
Talk about your life / Before you start playing, ask how everyone wants the day to go. Is this a day that is okay to lose to the games? Are there other things on the docket waiting to happen? Are you also reading a good book, or building a cool fort? Talk about how much time you want to spend doing each of those things, then set a preliminary schedule. My son’s answers have ranged from five minutes to 6 hours when I’ve asked how long he wants to play a game.
Note: One point brought up by the mentoring boys article is the tendency for parents to be dismissive of our childrens’ gaming lives. He points out, “I bet that you rarely find yourself complaining about a boy obsessing with playing a newly learned musical piece or completion of a school project.” What are your preconceived expectations about technology versus more traditional activities?
These guidelines are just jumping off points. Call in on Thursday, or leave a comment here sharing your thoughts.
