Parenting For Humanity Blog

Empathy means “being sensitive to the feelings, thoughts, and experience of another”. Empathy connects you with your child’s current feelings and needs (and perhaps your own).

Empathy sometimes seems as if it would be counter-intuitive, fruitless, and time-consuming It might seem that conveying your understanding implies you will give in or fix that feeling, yet often just being understood is what is needed by the child. But it often has exactly the opposite result.

Empathy helps your child feel understood, supported, and connected instead of controlled and told his feelings are wrong. You have to first understand what he wants, what he feels, and what he needs (what he wants and needs may not be the same thing). This is not implying that he can have what he wants, or even that you will be able to meet his need at this moment. It is acknowledging that his needs and emotions are valid and that you will support his right to have them.

Sometimes, it is very hard to offer empathy to a child when we have strong feelings we are struggling with ourselves. In this case, take some deep breaths, and offer yourself some empathy with your inner voice. “It’s not easy to be a parent of a spirited 2 year old. I’m really frustrated. I’m angry that I didn’t get to eat lunch on time. I really need food and some quiet time to just sit down.” By doing this, you acknowledge that it is valid for you to have these feelings, and that your feelings and needs matter also – even if you realize logically that you can’t meet those needs right now, for example if you are in the middle of shopping and won’t be home for half an hour. Even more importantly, you “take ownership” for your emotions when you empathize with yourself without blaming either yourself or anyone else.

Listen in on May 29, 08 for a discussion of how empathy can help our children feel more understood and accepted for who they are as well as how it can help solve behavior issues, and how it can do the same for us. To listen live, or ask questions, call (646) 716-8259 at noon EST.

Lisa

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