Modeling Perfectionism
The topic of our upcoming show is “modeling”. We will be talking about how children copy what we say and what we do, and how to be good models for them.
I have been trying to write this blog post in my head all week and somehow I just haven’t been happy with it. I guess I have this goal for myself that everything somehow be inspirational, or at least insightful, hopefully humorous, and definitely engaging. Of course, once it is written, I have to re-read it several times to avoid grammar mistakes and such. Other than that, I’m happy to make mistakes 
Yesterday, my 11 son, who we have just started leaving at home for up to a couple of hours, made me a necklace for my birthday while I was out. He got out my beads carefully, used the tools correctly, came up with a perfectly symmetrical, just-the-right-length, original necklace, and then cleaned up after himself (no, this is not typical). When I asked how he got it that way, he said he beaded about half way, held it up for length to his neck, and then copied the pattern in the other direction. He said it as if he had figured this out, but it’s exactly the way I do it (shhh! let’s not tell him). It was so cool that he had picked this up from me without me ever actively teaching him. But, I must admit, what I admired most he wasn’t daunted by the fact that he didn’t know how to attach the clasp, and he decided to tie it on and let me fix it – something that is ‘huge’ for him, since he is usually very much an all-or-nothing perfectionist.
I can remember when he was about 3, I was getting very frustrated because he was being very hard on himself – everything was such a big deal and then as soon as he failed, he wouldn’t try again for a long time. I was doing everything I could to assure him that mistakes were OK, that it didn’t need to be perfect, and so I thought, I’m not overly critical of his mistakes – where does this come from?
Later that same day, I had forgotten to do something or I had done something wrong – I can’t even remember anymore what it was – and I was beating myself up about it; I can remember thinking, “That was so stupid – why did I do that?” and feeling very discouraged. I wasn’t even verbalizing it. But then it struck me – he is doing exactly what I’m doing, just on his level. He picked it up completely nonverbally. I realized that his mistakes were no less relevant to his world than mine were to my world, even if it was just spilling water or chipping a glass – he still felt like a failure, just like I did if I yelled at him, or got upset over traffic. So by modeling that I was not good enough, I was counteracting everything I was doing to teach him that mistakes help us learn.
I don’t know whether he was able to overcome this or whether I have been more gentle with myself, or what. I certainly can’t and won’t take blame or credit for everything. However, I do think modeling is a powerful tool we can use to help teach our children what we ourselves are learning.
Please join us on Friday, May 23rd or look in the archives for an honest and nonjudgemental discussion on modeling. If this raises questions, please feel free to leave a comment so we can use it on our show.
Lisa Stroyan
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