Beating ourselves up
A close friend gave me a bell pendant as a parting gift, and I wore it daily for many years. It reminded me of an essay in Peace is Every Step
On harder days though, I walked around with my finger in the bell, preventing its song. I remember standing in a hospital corridor, clutching the bell and confessing, “Some moments suck so much I just don’t want to be present. I don’t need any reminders.”
Today had several of those moments. The boys were hyped up on sugar and birthday excitement, and I was certain that everyone in the room, family included, was wondering if we were striving to raise a modern day Nell. As I sat in the car, listening to the boys wail about the injustices of indoor voice expectations, I mentally beat myself over the head for every choice that brought us to our parking lot screaming match.
I should have forced them to eat more protein.
I should have raised them with more limits.
I should be more playful.
I should have taught them manners.
I should have spent more outside time with them this morning.
I should have been kinder.
I should have thrown out the TV.
I should be calmer all the time, they must be catching my craziness.
I should keep a cleaner house– they are wild because of the clutter everywhere.
Certainly, some of these things could have helped in hindsight. Others are completely irrational, or incongruent with my values. None of them were helpful in getting us through the rest of the day. Albert Ellis
There’s nothing wrong with self-critique, but self-flagellation is paralyzing, bringing any forward motion to an abrupt halt. In the process of beating ourselves up, we successfully immobilize ourselves, trapping us in the very moment we wanted to avoid.
I was talking with a friend this evening about the unmet expectations life has handed him. “If only I had stopped talking at that moment.” He paused. “But the thing is, we can’t go back and start over. We can only start where we are now.”
This week Lisa and I will talk about extending the benefits of empathic parenting to ourselves as well as the children in our lives. Join us for a discussion of getting through those moments when we wished things went differently.
Julie:
Hahhha! What a fun topic. It just occurred to me this week that I am more cognizant of speaking empathetically and kindly to my daughter than I am to myself! I would never speak to my daughter or anyone the way I speak to myself in my mind. And, of course, if I am feeling horrible (from all my negative self-talk), my parenting is definitely affected.
As for the bell, I was just reading something in Feng Shui which talked about the Chinese using wind chimes inside of doorways so that when you open and enter, the sound of the chimes reminds you that you are now where you are, not where you came from. Not only did it make me chuckle with the realization that even adults have difficulties with transition, but it made me ponder the question, “When have I ever found an answer to a present problem by dredging up all the failures of the past?” It is one thing to learn by historical experience, but it is another to box ourselves in by confining ourselves with past failures and creating the mental impression upon ourselves that we will again fail or perform inadequately.
Now, my daughter doesn’t seem to have a difficult time starting each day anew, less constrained by the past. It is a good thing for me as she does not seem assume that just because I missed the mark in parenting yesterday, that I won’t figure it out today. She is more forgiving of me as a parent than I am of myself.
Thanks for the great topic and I look forward to listening, today!
16 May 2008, 3:07 pm