Parenting Proactively
Our next topic on our radio show/podcast is on the topic of parenting proactively; i.e., as one dictionary put it, “Acting in advance to deal with an expected difficulty”.
When I first starting thinking about this topic, I was trying to tie it to nonpunitive parenting from last week. I remembered Amy and my discussion on the “balance” between permissive and authoritarian/punitive parenting, and how our goal might not be to find that balance at all, but to find a new way entirely. I thought, “Can we be nonpunitive but not be proactive?” Of course…it just means reacting in a gentler way, right? But felt like something was missing…. And then it hit me – Nonpunitive…minus proactive…doesn’t that equal permissive?
And, as we spoke of in the previous radio show, many parents are on this teeter-totter, where they are permissive until they can’t stand their kids, and then punitive until they can’t stand themselves. Being permissive leads to being punitive and vice versa, because they are opposite side of the teeter-totter. Being proactive is one way to step off the teeter-totter entirely, and probably one of the most effective ways.
When we are trying to avoid punishing our children, what we are rejecting is the idea of learning through fear and shame. The reason this sometimes feels permissive is that we are afraid that the learning will not happen at all.
None of this is to imply that children won’t learn anything without direct teaching. I am a firm believer in trusting children and often, just staying out of the way. Even this, though, requires much proactivity – adjusting the environment to be supportive; adjusting our own beliefs to be trusting; and protecting our children from consequences and people’s opinions that they are not yet ready to handle. There are many ways learning occurs – from natural development, to modeling, to direct instruction – and each leads to different ways we can help that learning.
However, learning rarely occurs in the moment of conflict. Our actions and ideas in the proactive realm – the times when there is connection and calm – are a large part of what create and influence that learning and help us maintain trust in our kids. Our reactions, our actions in the moment, can be relaxed to just those that keep everyone and items safe and as connected as possible until the calm returns and we can return to being proactive.
I hope you will listen in as we discuss ways of parenting proactively and answer your questions, Thursday, May 8th, 9PST/12EST. Please feel free to leave a comment or question in response to this entry…If we don’t fill the time with callers, we may use answer your question on the show.
Aleisha:
This is a great topic. I feel I am always trying to act in advance as it helps so much. For us it’s bedtime. We do the same ritual night after night – it often works, but then it doesn’t. My 3-year-old has big, explosive emotions. It seems that every morning I wake up to examine my wounds from last night’s bedtime ritual (she’s a fighter). I don’t want to fight so I try to keep her from hurting me, others or herself. I also try to keep her from destroying things – which is what she really wants to do. No matter how I advance plan her emotions are huge and spontaneous. Givng her a calm down space hasn’t worked because she doesn’t stay in it or tries to destroy any thing she can reach. When this happens her older sister, who is much more introverted, starts to stress out and worry. This winds her up so that she has trouble getting to sleep. Then I have two stressed out, over tired kids. To top it off, my partner works an evening shift so bedtime is coordinated by me alone, every night. Any thoughts on how to make this routine smoother?
8 May 2008, 1:35 amJulie:
Great show, Lisa and Amy!
I will be interested in hearing your thoughts on Aleisha’s post. We had the same issues with our daughter and I can completely relate to Aleisha’s comments about the wounds that were being created by the bedtime struggle. It was such a sad way for us all to end the day. We talked to our daughter at length about why she was having difficulty if we left the room and for her, it was a fear of being alone and also feeling like she is missing out on whatever we are doing. In the end, we caved and now one of us lies down with our daughter until she falls asleep. I really wish our daughter could self-comfort herself to sleep and I hope that comes someday. But, for now, we decided that the trauma was too much for everyone. We would love suggestions on how to proactively make the transition to her going to sleep on her own without it being traumatic.
Thanks!
8 May 2008, 12:49 pmlstroyan:
Hi Aleisha,
I just wanted to let you know we addressed your question on the most recent show (5/8/08) – take a look at http://www.blogtalkradio.com/parenting.
Julie, we will probably address your question further in another show, but off the top of my head, my thought would be perhaps to a gradual desensitization process – one step for a few nights until she is used to it. So, you might go from laying with her, to sitting on the edge of the bed, to sitting in a chair, to sitting partway across the room….you don’t change where you are during the evening in question, but during the daytime every several days (move the chair in advance). Stay with each step until it is fairly comfortable.
10 May 2008, 3:16 am