Parenting For Humanity Blog

Empathy means “being sensitive to the feelings, thoughts, and experience of another”. Empathy connects you with your child’s current feelings and needs (and perhaps your own).

Empathy sometimes seems as if it would be counter-intuitive, fruitless, and time-consuming It might seem that conveying your understanding implies you will give in or fix that feeling, yet often just being understood is what is needed by the child. But it often has exactly the opposite result.

Empathy helps your child feel understood, supported, and connected instead of controlled and told his feelings are wrong. You have to first understand what he wants, what he feels, and what he needs (what he wants and needs may not be the same thing). This is not implying that he can have what he wants, or even that you will be able to meet his need at this moment. It is acknowledging that his needs and emotions are valid and that you will support his right to have them.

Sometimes, it is very hard to offer empathy to a child when we have strong feelings we are struggling with ourselves. In this case, take some deep breaths, and offer yourself some empathy with your inner voice. “It’s not easy to be a parent of a spirited 2 year old. I’m really frustrated. I’m angry that I didn’t get to eat lunch on time. I really need food and some quiet time to just sit down.” By doing this, you acknowledge that it is valid for you to have these feelings, and that your feelings and needs matter also – even if you realize logically that you can’t meet those needs right now, for example if you are in the middle of shopping and won’t be home for half an hour. Even more importantly, you “take ownership” for your emotions when you empathize with yourself without blaming either yourself or anyone else.

Listen in on May 29, 08 for a discussion of how empathy can help our children feel more understood and accepted for who they are as well as how it can help solve behavior issues, and how it can do the same for us. To listen live, or ask questions, call (646) 716-8259 at noon EST.

Lisa

Listen to Radio Show

Download Audio

On our show today, we announced that in the month of July, we will be providing free coaching and consultations.  If you have been wondering what it’s all about, sign up soon to reserve your space!  Here are the details.

We have also started a Resource Page with the articles and resources we have mentioned on the show or were provided by listeners.  If you have an interesting resource to share, let us know!  (Twitter, comment here, email – whatever!)

Keep listening and letting us know what you think.   As usual, we’d love any comments, reviews, or questions you have.

Lisa & Amy

The topic of our upcoming show is “modeling”. We will be talking about how children copy what we say and what we do, and how to be good models for them.

I have been trying to write this blog post in my head all week and somehow I just haven’t been happy with it. I guess I have this goal for myself that everything somehow be inspirational, or at least insightful, hopefully humorous, and definitely engaging. Of course, once it is written, I have to re-read it several times to avoid grammar mistakes and such. Other than that, I’m happy to make mistakes

Yesterday, my 11 son, who we have just started leaving at home for up to a couple of hours, made me a necklace for my birthday while I was out. He got out my beads carefully, used the tools correctly, came up with a perfectly symmetrical, just-the-right-length, original necklace, and then cleaned up after himself (no, this is not typical). When I asked how he got it that way, he said he beaded about half way, held it up for length to his neck, and then copied the pattern in the other direction. He said it as if he had figured this out, but it’s exactly the way I do it (shhh! let’s not tell him). It was so cool that he had picked this up from me without me ever actively teaching him. But, I must admit, what I admired most he wasn’t daunted by the fact that he didn’t know how to attach the clasp, and he decided to tie it on and let me fix it – something that is ‘huge’ for him, since he is usually very much an all-or-nothing perfectionist.

I can remember when he was about 3, I was getting very frustrated because he was being very hard on himself – everything was such a big deal and then as soon as he failed, he wouldn’t try again for a long time. I was doing everything I could to assure him that mistakes were OK, that it didn’t need to be perfect, and so I thought, I’m not overly critical of his mistakes – where does this come from?

Later that same day, I had forgotten to do something or I had done something wrong – I can’t even remember anymore what it was – and I was beating myself up about it; I can remember thinking, “That was so stupid – why did I do that?” and feeling very discouraged. I wasn’t even verbalizing it. But then it struck me – he is doing exactly what I’m doing, just on his level. He picked it up completely nonverbally. I realized that his mistakes were no less relevant to his world than mine were to my world, even if it was just spilling water or chipping a glass – he still felt like a failure, just like I did if I yelled at him, or got upset over traffic. So by modeling that I was not good enough, I was counteracting everything I was doing to teach him that mistakes help us learn.

I don’t know whether he was able to overcome this or whether I have been more gentle with myself, or what. I certainly can’t and won’t take blame or credit for everything. However, I do think modeling is a powerful tool we can use to help teach our children what we ourselves are learning.

Please join us on Friday, May 23rd or look in the archives for an honest and nonjudgemental discussion on modeling. If this raises questions, please feel free to leave a comment so we can use it on our show.

Lisa Stroyan

Listen to Radio Show

Download Audio

Thanks for listening today everyone! I do want to apologize to whoever called in but didn’t show up on our switchboard…BTR lists a caller we weren’t aware of. Also, someone asked why the show says 45 minutes in BTR when we only go for 30 – that’s because we need some wiggle room, and they only have 15 minute increments.

We just got the following email from BlogTalkRadio:

“Lisa and Amy,

Looks like you’re getting popular! Kevin Makice has added your show as a favorite. View their profile here. You can increase the number of people who mark you as a favorite by reminding them to do so during your show. You show can also rank higher if you remind people to rate your show.”

I found the statement “you are getting popular” rather ironic since Kevin is Amy’s husband But seriously – we’d love to get the word out about the show. If you like the show, we would really love positive ratings, reviews, etc either at BlogTalkRadio, or in itunes. And please tell your friends about us!

Here are the resources we mentioned on the show today:

Patti Wipfler’s article on being in control: http://tinyurl.com/5lwbfk. If you are interested in other articles, I’ve collected my favorites here.

Twitter is a great way to keep in touch with what we are up to, get article links, etc. The most recent one is shown in the sidebar at the right, but to see all of them, or to get realtime updates, follow “parentstalk” at twitter.com .

If you are interested in discussing empathic parenting, a group of us have a discussion board at empathic-parenting.com/talk .

Lisa

A close friend gave me a bell pendant as a parting gift, and I wore it daily for many years. It reminded me of an essay in Peace is Every Step about using the sound of a bell to bring us back to the present, and when I heard the chiming, I tried to offer myself a smile and accept the moment as it was.

On harder days though, I walked around with my finger in the bell, preventing its song. I remember standing in a hospital corridor, clutching the bell and confessing, “Some moments suck so much I just don’t want to be present. I don’t need any reminders.”

Today had several of those moments. The boys were hyped up on sugar and birthday excitement, and I was certain that everyone in the room, family included, was wondering if we were striving to raise a modern day Nell. As I sat in the car, listening to the boys wail about the injustices of indoor voice expectations, I mentally beat myself over the head for every choice that brought us to our parking lot screaming match.

I should have forced them to eat more protein.
I should have raised them with more limits.
I should be more playful.
I should have taught them manners.
I should have spent more outside time with them this morning.
I should have been kinder.
I should have thrown out the TV.
I should be calmer all the time, they must be catching my craziness.
I should keep a cleaner house– they are wild because of the clutter everywhere.

Certainly, some of these things could have helped in hindsight. Others are completely irrational, or incongruent with my values. None of them were helpful in getting us through the rest of the day. Albert Ellis called this kind of thinking “shoulding on yourself.” It is one of several dogmatic and rigid thought patterns that form a distortion of reality contributing to depression, neuroses, and just plain crappy afternoons.

There’s nothing wrong with self-critique, but self-flagellation is paralyzing, bringing any forward motion to an abrupt halt. In the process of beating ourselves up, we successfully immobilize ourselves, trapping us in the very moment we wanted to avoid.

I was talking with a friend this evening about the unmet expectations life has handed him. “If only I had stopped talking at that moment.” He paused. “But the thing is, we can’t go back and start over. We can only start where we are now.”

This week Lisa and I will talk about extending the benefits of empathic parenting to ourselves as well as the children in our lives. Join us for a discussion of getting through those moments when we wished things went differently.

Listen to Radio Show

Download Audio