What is non-punitive parenting?
When I started offering parenting workshops, one of our empirical measurements was a scale of authoritarian and permissive attitudes in parents. We considered our workshop helpful when the parents migrated from either end of the scale to the middle. There were obvious issues with the overly controlling parents on one end, and just as blatant problems on the other end, with parents providing little or no guidance to their offspring. I, along with most of my colleagues, assumed that the answer was somewhere in the middle.
I’m no longer funded by government grants, and the parents attending my workshops are already looking for a different way of parenting, so the authoritarian-permissive spectrum hasn’t been at the front of my mind, until Lisa and I started discussing how to describe our next radio show, “What is Non-Punitive Parenting.”
I suggested that we invite parents who are trying to find a balance between overly strict parenting and overly permissive styles.
Lisa came back with, “it’s not about either or,” she reminded me, “it’s completely outside that spectrum.”
I frequently get caught up in discussions with concerned caregivers- they ask “how will he learn if there are never any consequences?” If I’m on the continuum of permissive to authoritarian, the answer consists of coming up with the proper blend of stern and loving. The answers span from judicious use of the rod to a parent throwing up his hands and giving up. We would look to a snuggly parent lamenting “this hurts me more than it hurts you,” after doling out a balanced, properly logical consequence, or a creative caregiver handing out tokens for good behavior, receiving payment for missteps. We could spend hours debating the merit of various rewards, the appropriateness of certain consequences. We could get lost trying to find the perfect justice for our children.
The above spectrum has room for an array of differences, but they have one underlying commonality. They are based on fear. Instilling fear in the child that he will be hurt, that precious things will be taken away, that they will never do just the right thing to capture the elusive parent approval.
Step outside the spectrum. What if it isn’t about finding a balance, but rather, about making a connection? What if instead of teaching a lesson, we worked with children to develop necessary skills? What if we skipped the lecture and spent some time problem-solving about how to make right what went wrong tonight, and how it could be better in the future?
Instead of a linear menu of options, we could imagine a toolbox- not something filled with implements for fixing our broken children, but filled with supports for strengthening our connections.
This could be a beginning toolbox for empathic parenting. Power tools such as listening, empathizing, playing games together, snuggling, singing and communicating all contribute to building a strong family unit. One where everyone can learn. They all have a commonality as well. They are tools that build bridges that connect us with the most important people in our world.
My hope is that in exploring this week’s question, we can dig through the our new box and find tools that help us build bridges for and strengthen our family.
Thanks for reading! Please leave us any comments or questions here on the blog, and tune in for a further discussion of this topic at 9am PST on May 1, 2008 – or find it in the archives – www.blogtalkradio.com/parenting.
Amy Makice, LCSW
Julie:
Nice show. I really like the idea of considering whether every action as a parent builds a bridge or a connection.
I also like to think about what my daughter will take away from a situation – will she capitulate in the future only because she is afraid of the “punishment” or does she understand that she is needs to capitulate in order to balance someone else’s needs with her own? How much of this can a 3 year old get? By my estimate, toddlers are not as self-centered as we have been told. The times I have explained to her that x,y, or z must happen because someone else’s needs need to also be met, she usually accepts the suggested action readily.
For the first time in a year, we had a to leave a store today (JAX). My daughter would not abide by my requests that she hold my hand and not touch things. I explained to her the rule (which I haven’t had to review with her in ages) that in stores she can touch if she asks firsts and that she needs to stay with me for her own safety and that we could remain in the store if she would follow those rules. After a couple of breaches, I told her we had to go and that we could come back another day when we both thought we are up to the task. She was upset that we had to leave but I reassured her there would be a next time that we could try it out, again.
Is it punitive? Not sure. Whenever I have to enforce a rule, I always do it with a kiss and a hug and I avoid creating any feelings of shame. But I believe we all have to learn that there is a whole world out there with people who have needs and we need to understand those needs and balance them with our own.
I do think kids quickly pick up on enforcement of a rule when it is done from the position of “You will capitulate because I am in a position of power in this relationship” and I think while it might render acquiescence by the child, that it creates scaring and a likelihood of them becoming abusive in situations in which they have the position of power (I am going to take this toy from you because I am bigger and stronger).
So, when you enforce rules is it always authoritarian? Or, is it a matter of the intentions behind the enforcement of rules?
I love the show and will be listening next week!
8 May 2008, 12:54 pm