Children and Water
With summer in full swing, I thought it would be a good time for musing (ok, I won’t lie to you…a rant!) about our culture and the importance we place on water tolerance in our children. The topic of swimming lessons seems to appear on parenting lists annually at about the same time my roses are just starting to bud, and I remember all the angst I had around this issue. Now, I look back on my former self and wish I could say, “what’s the big deal?”
Our son did swimming lessons as a baby but not enough that it made any difference. Not that I knew that; I vacillated between thinking that if we had persevered, he would have loved water, and thinking his fear must be my fault for dunking him a few times against his will or bringing him in the first place. He was a bit afraid of water for a while - mainly getting his head wet - and I thought I must have been totally neglectful to have a child that didn’t even like baths all that much. The truth was though there were several months between the end of swimming lessons and the beginning of this fear, and in hindsight, I believe his sensory sensitivities were just getting started then and it may not have had anything to do with my parenting.
We tried swimming lessons again when he was a little older but he had a lot of separation anxiety (still does sometimes - he’s 11 :). After I peeled him off me and assured him that he would be fine (as good moms were “supposed” to do), he dutifully and daringly jumped off the edge into the water, holding his nose and squeezing his eyes tightly shut (this was before we discovered goggles), to high praise and kudos from both us and the instructor. Of course, this was only in the baby pool so the water was about a foot deep and only came to the top of his legs. When we talked about the next swimming class level where you have to jump in and actually go under, he went into a panic.
Now don’t get me wrong - I think swimming lessons are a wonderful thing when they work for children! If your child happily splashes into the pool with only a few unsure protests and a quick backward glance, and you get to sit and page through a magazine, or better yet get a little exercise yoursef, it can be a great opportunity! What I have an issue with is the implication that it is the duty of the parent and that Dire Things may happen if your child is not in swimming lessons each summer. My experience is that it is just not true.
We have this culture that says children have to learn to swim “for safety” at a young age but truth be told, I don’t think we ever actually are able to “count” on that safety anyway - it’s not like we leave them alone in water, just like we don’t let them play in the front yard by the street even if we teach them not to run into it. So then the argument of “but their friends will be able to swim and it will be embarrassing” comes up. My experience though, is that it’s not the children that are embarrassed. Our son wore his “floatie” vest for about 3 years longer than similar aged children before he decided he didn’t need it anymore. No - his concern was the lack of water gun that “all the other kids had”. All concern and competition about who can swim and who can’t was coming from the sidelines of the pool.
He’s 11 now, and loves water and can swim just fine. Floaties are a thing of the past. He still carefully considers whether the wet feeling of the swimsuit, the annoyance of sunscreen, and the hassle of it all are worth the amount of time he will spend in the water. And, he rarely goes in water without a tightly fitted pair of goggles as he hates water in his eyes. Every once in a while the old feelings bubble up (shouldn’t he know how to dive by now? what will the other children think?) but overall, I’ve learned to trust that he will learn what he needs when he is ready. Yesterday, we went to a lake party, and he cautiously and then gracefully stood on top of a sail board (sans sail) and paddled himself around, announcing matter-of-factly afterwards, “I actually have quite good balance, mom.” I even saw him jump from the floating dock into water over his head - without his goggles. (It was probably too far back to be worth the effort of retrieving them).
(And since this is admittedly a rant, can I just comment on showers and baths? Often these same kids don’t like those either. We sometimes went months between hair washing. I kid you not. I eagerly latched onto philosophies that explained that if your child didn’t use shampoo, the scalp never became dependent on it and wouldn’t need it. I quietly panicked when friends would imply I was setting him up for failure as an adolescent, because puberty would necessitate hair washing frequently. And what has happened? He recently discovered that he enjoys showers, though only in one shower in the house - the last holdout of the full-water usage shower heads era. Apparently, this too will resolve itself).
So what do I recommend for parents who have children with “water issues”? Trust, trust, trust. I do believe in exposure if possible; otherwise it is easy to fall into fear of the unknown. But any time you push a child past the point of discomfort and into actual fear, I believe the lesson is actually hurtful rather than helpful. So keep coming back to trust. Offer lots of opportunities but don’t be upset when they aren’t accepted. Keep encouraging them to try, but with an attitude of, “I know you’ll be able to when you are ready”. I know that they will.
